The following story about my ordeal with Tinnitus
(ringing in the ears) is the feature story for
the upcoming June Edition of the American Tinnitus
Association's Journal Of Medicine.
I have devoted my life to
the study of sound. I am not a physicist, a doctor,
a scientist, nor an audiologist. I am a master
of sound, an accomplished concert pianist. Since
the age of eight, Ive studied the relationship
between the body and the vibration of musical
notes. What I couldnt have known is that one
day I would deeply yearn for the one note I would
never hear again the note of no sound.
Perhaps the tinnitus was caused
by all of those over-the-counter decongestants
I was taking for my flu, or maybe it was the stress
of being at the pinnacle of my performing career,
or maybe it was the news that my wife, Nancy,
was giving up a good paying job, or a combination
thereof. Whatever it was, one night I dreamt I
was sitting on an airport tarmac between two jet
engines. When I woke up, I realized this noise
wasnt just a dream. It was in my head! I rolled
off the bed onto the floor in a fetal position
with hands over my ears.
Over the next few weeks, I
begged doctors to help me. My journey of hope
began with visits to family doctors, referrals,
and audiologists. Weeks turned into years with
more research leading my wife and me to more doctors,
shamans, and dozens of healers around the world.
We live in Canada, but traveled to as far away
as Japan.
What started as my journey
of hope turned into a dark and painful life with
bouts of deep depression. The tinnitus sabotaged
my music, my marriage, and sometimes my very desire
to live. The worst part was that because my injury
was not visible to the world, people had no appreciation
or ability to feel compassion for my suffering.
I felt very alone. It suddenly occurred to me
that maybe Van Gogh cut off his ear to make his
suffering visible to the world not because he
thought it would stop his tinnitus.
Believing no one in the world
could understand my physical pain, or my emotional
burden, I turned to the Internet only to find
chat groups with more stories of chronic depression
and misery. It became clear I wasnt alone in
my suffering, but it didnt make me feel better
about my situation. That was when my wife became
the most afraid, and ordered me to stay out of
the virtual company of these sufferers, and instead
to stay abreast of research through the American
Tinnitus Association.
I was so busy fighting the
tinnitus and struggling to make it through the
day, I barely noticed my wifes struggle with
my tinnitus too. I had no energy for her personal
fight to keep me alive, or to fight the Canadian
Hearing Association when they told me they couldnt
measure the volume of the noise I hear (higher
than their instruments could measure). I had no
strength to fight the audiologist who sold me
white noise/masking hearing aids that, despite
my discipline, hope, and full cooperation, didnt
work for me. I didnt have the energy to fight
other health professionals who tried to help but
whose good ideas didnt work. They got my money;
I kept the tinnitus.
My last hope, or so I thought,
was an audiologist and medical doctor team who
specialized in treating musicians hearing problems.
Because Im self employed, I have no drug insurance
plan. Feeling for my situation, they gave me dozen
packets of antidepressants. Feeling hopeful that
maybe they would work, I poured the boxes out
on the kitchen table. Thats when I noticed my
wifes anger and when she gave me the ultimatum:
Paul, either you choose to live your life on
antidepressants, or you choose to face your disability
and conquer it. If you choose to conquer it, you
will live a happy life with me and Adrian [our
son]. If you choose the antidepressants, you will
miss your music and your family. Itll all be
gone. She stood there with hands on hips and
said, You choose now, because Im ready to live
with whatever you choose.
With my glimmer of hope turning
into profound rage, I swept the table with my
arm, and all the pill boxes flew around the room.
My rage turned into deep sorrow for my loss of
silence, and I bawled for the longest time, curled
up on the floor. Nancy never came to comfort me.
Maybe she knew I needed to let go of my rage.
She watched standing at a distance and repeated
the words You must choose now. Its been four
years, and you have to choose what you are going
to do. I sheepishly got up knowing that I would
get no sympathy from her now. This was tough love.
I picked up the packets, and began to flush the
pills down the toilet.
I cried all night, mourning
the fact that after four years, the tinnitus wasnt
going away. I had cried many times before, but
this time was different. On this night, I began
to surrender to the tinnitus. I knew the tinnitus
would somehow have to become my new best friend.
But I wouldnt be doing it
alone. With Nancy and Adrian by my side, my tinnitus
healthcare team at the ready, a new spiritual
mentor into my life, I was introduced to books
about the theory of mind, body, and spirit. I
kept a journal of what I ate, how I lived, and
my thought processes. Over a period of time, I
learned by trial and error that I could control
the volume of my tinnitus by completely eliminating
wheat products, milk, caffeine, yellow vegetables,
pork, salt, red wine, and citrus fruits from my
diet, and introducing a high-protein diet of beef
and certain types of beans, plus broccoli and
other green vegetables. What I eat seems to control
the volume of the tinnitus. I learned that exercise,
sex, meditation, and playing the piano kept my
mind off of the tinnitus for long stretches of
time. I learned that my negative thought processes
had kept me focused and addicted to my tinnitus,
and that I could actually control my thoughts
to take the focus off of my tinnitus. I learned
that no one else in the world was empowered to
heal me, and that I would ultimately be responsible
for my own healing.
Seven years later, I am a
completely new person. Tinnitus has transformed
my life in very positive ways. Because of the
tinnitus, I have walked an 850km pilgrimage across
Spain, produced spiritual films, composed symphony
music, became a certified motivational trainer,
and am currently writing my first book. I am healthier,
wiser, more grounded, humbled, and very grateful
for my life.
Because of the tinnitus, I
now teach people how to find their inner strength
and use it to conquer their minds attachment
to illness, vulnerabilities, emotional burdens,
and fears. And yet, with all of my professional
credits, nothing in my lifes journey comes close
to my personal accomplishment of conquering my
tinnitus. No, I may never experience silence again.
But tinnitus now serves as a beacon in my life.
It is no longer the cruel enemy that once controlled
me.
As a master of sound, I can
tell you that the most beautiful sound Ive ever
heard is the suspended space between two musical
notes that open space of no sound, of silence.
Its such a great gift. But Ive learned that
other profound gifts do come, and from the strangest
forms of suffering. As my loving wife once said
in one desperate attempt to save my life, Its
your choice. And so Ive chosen.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The author Paul Tobey has
developed a "How-To" information kit
called "A Practical Guide to Tinnitus Free
Living." It comes with a beautifully edited
eBook, an accompanying audio recording and an
audio meditation specifically designed for Tinnitus
Patients. A must have for all Tinnitus Sufferers!
Check out...
==> http://www.paultobey.com/ezGaffurl.php?offer=yourclickbankid&pid=1
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
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